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A fail.

2011-01-06T01:01:00.000Z

I failed an induction course for my job. I think I got to know the result in September. It took me many months to accept it and just calm down. This is because I believed I put in a lot of effort in it, and also because all my friends passed it. I did mention to some that I failed and they kept on saying things along the line of ‘What? That can’t be true. It was too easy.’ So I stopped talking about it. Many months passed and now I finally have the courage to re-apply (re-applying equals almost everyone in the school knowing that I failed something ‘so easy’). So this morning I went to get a signature from a superior for the re-application form. He was surprised that I failed. Somehow I uttered ‘Someone told me it’s statistics, i.e. someone has to fail.’ And he replied, ‘Hmm.. Really?’

So you had a bad day...

2010-03-10T06:45:00.001Z

We were having a summative test for Functions (a chapter in Additional Maths). Since I couldn't get the test sheet to be copied so that everyone would have a copy (because only one person can operate the machine and when I got the test prepared, the person had gone for breakfast), I had to write the questions on the board and ask the students to just write their answers and working, because if they were to copy the questions, there wouldn't be enough time to answer all of them.

So, I was writing on the board. Then I felt like turning to face the students. So I faced them. And I saw the horror looks on their faces, just staring at the whiteboard. Then the song 'Bad Day' started playing in my head. Sigh. Poor kids.

Poor me.

Some students blame me for their bad marks. Which feels very weird for me, considering that I was also a form 4 student once, and I did get some below 40% marks here and there, but never once had it occurred to me, 'Hey, its not my fault! Its my teacher's fault! She's a bad teacher!!!' or to tell my teacher, matter-of-factly, 'Actually, you are not a good teacher for us.'

Students, like how some people choose to describe why we have the species of organisms we currently have, have also evolved with time.

I love making lists. I make lists all the time.

2009-11-25T16:27:00.001Z

So many months have passed since I felt an urge this strong to write. I think I'll start writing regularly again for my own good.

People have hobbies so that they can do something to keep them from doing something else. Something else which could be something that's evil. Or something they know they'll regret.

I love making lists. I make lists all the time.

About a month ago I even made a list of things I could do to win a particular person's heart. I really wanted the person to like me. Haha. Just thinking about it now makes me feel like rofl. Oh well. Sometimes we can plan all we want but when it comes to implementation... So many errors might occur. It didn't work out because although I really wanted to have a healthy relationship with the people around me, deep down inside I just couldn't care less if people hated me for just being myself (so I do have a healthy level of self confidence!). When people hate you, it wouldn't matter if you make believe that you're the sole person at fault and apologise, people still hate you. So, back to the story, I found myself faking cheeryness so that people would actually respond to me. O.m.g. things like this makes me feel like a social retard.

Anyway, its been more than 100 days since I started working and I still haven't received my pay. I wonder if this is one of the reasons why I have problem remembering my clients' names. I didn't have this problem during practical. It was effortless. Maybe its because I felt more 'loved' by my clients during practical. Now I just feel like a 'real worker' who's not going anywhere so whatever. I even live with my clients for goodness sake. I don't feel 'loved', in fact, at least one client does something which I feel is disrespectful towards me, at least once in two days. I'm not sure if I should lower my bench mark or make it higher.

The important thing is, I have a great boss. I wish I could praise him upfront instead of just writing about it here. Maybe one day I'll muster enough confidence and tell him how much I appreciate that he's my boss and not anyone else because some days just a nod from him deletes an image of myself drowning in a swamp and replaces it with dancing with lolz catz. I have a great boss and this helps in making it all worthwhile.

:)

Yeay!

"Physics is Paris."

2009-02-16T09:49:00.001Z

J: What do you understand if someone says, 'Physics is Paris'?
Me: Ummm... Physics is not that hard, even Paris Hilton can understand some physics?
J: Actually it means that physics is beautiful. Paris (in France, not the girl) is beautiful. So Physics is Paris.
Me: Oh...

It's the start of our third week of practicum today. Time sure flies when you're having fun huh?

Today I felt it. I felt the 'Physics is Paris' my friend talked about 2 weeks ago. The feeling I feel when I teach physics is different from when I teach other subjects. It's not that I tak beriya or anything when I teach other subjects, no. Of course all of the students I teach, regardless the subject, are really, really good students. Fun to teach = good students. I love students who make me laugh all the time. Really make my day.

Maybe it's because teaching physics brings all the familiar feelings I felt when I was in university. All the running to lectures because I loved my lecturers' lectures, all the staying up to meet deadlines that seemed impossible... And most importantly all the 'extra-curricular activities' I was a part of in all those three happy years, that I have nothing to do with now (tsk.. tsk.. ).

Somehow, I managed.

This is a welcome note (^ . ^)

2008-12-30T14:39:00.001Z

We're already in the new year 1430 H and it'll be 2009 soon. I was doing my homework and I thought it would be very interesting to read blogs written by teachers, documenting their personal teaching techniques and experiences.

So, as I've only managed to find one from my googling effort, I've decided to start my own. I'm not a teacher yet (I still have a few months to work on my teaching diploma) but that's not a problem. I'm sure I've lots to share anyway.

2008-12-16T02:53:00.000Z

"Be yourself beautiful, and you will find the world full of beauty."

2008-12-14T04:14:00.001Z

Have you ever wanted something so much, but you don’t really do anything to really deserve it? It’s somewhat contradictory because if we really want something, we all know we should work for it. We should try and try and try and try.

There’s something I really want (and fyi, it has nothing to do with getting married whtvr it’s such a boring topic anyway) but I know I haven’t been doing much to actually get it. When it involves other people’s abstract justifications in this particular field, I always feel that even if I do work hard, I won’t get it. So might as well don’t.

People are just too complex when it involves certain things. They tell me I’m important in the organisation. But I know they won’t let me do anything because I have never proven myself capable. But is it still the same if I never really had the chance? If all this while since I became a part (though insignificant) of the organisation, I have been overshadowed by ‘cemerlang gemilang terbilang’ colleagues who do everything and leave me with the most mundane tasks?

I know, I know. I know ‘mundane tasks’ are important tasks too. Like how an office space will be an unconducive place to work in when the janitor takes an emergency leave, even when the board of directors are all present. I know what’s important is that I do it with sincerity. I know that’s what Allah wants.

It’s not that I want to be known. I already have enough people who know me but I don’t know anything about them. I feel guilty every time but that’s a different story.

Right now the urge to just step back completely is so strong. It doesn’t make much difference being in or out. Whichever it is, my daily routine will be almost the same. The people who care about me will still care, and those who don’t would be able to concentrate on more important things in their lives and what they believe in.

The art of (not) complaining.

2008-10-02T16:14:00.008+01:00

Tomorrow is Friday. If Allah wills it, I will be back in Johor on Sunday.

There'll be this Form 4 and Form 5 level Physics test/quiz sometime next week. So in between raya cookies I have been skimming through the pages of my newly-bought SPM Physics revision book. I had earlier thought that since I already have a degree in Physics, this would be a breeze. But it turns out my mind doesn't work that way. So I eat more cookies to console myself.

I love Physics, I do. But only to a certain degree. I won't say Physics is my life (although Physics helps explain LOTS of things in our lives) or anything like that. I even feel 'disturbed' at times when someone seems to like Physics (or anything else) so much that they want others to seem as excited as they are.

IMHO, just because someone doesn't have an appropriate expression on his/her face it doesn't mean he/she's slacking behind, demotivated or hate what he/she has to do. Some people are just as excited as everyone else but its not in their nature to display the excitement 24/7. So there really isn't a need to preach so frequently.

Well, maybe this is why I'm not good at influencing people. I don't really try to persuade people. I dah nasihatkan hari tu. You tak nak sembahyang jugak, apa boleh buat? I do feel very sad if they turn a deaf ear to what I say, but I won't really try again to avoid further disappointment in my inability to help them. And that's bad. Everyone has the right to be reminded again and again. We never know when Allah will shine light and guidance to their hearts and minds. I don't know when I might fall into darkness and need help, more than once.

But that's about our purpose of life and our relationship with Allah. It's not exactly like making people who don't seem really excited about Physics feel like aliens... Is it?

Where is it?

2008-06-13T02:45:00.005+01:00

Today someone's questions brought tears to my eyes. I thought, 'If only I could turn back time and change things.'

But that's not how life works. I made mistakes and I have to live with them. I might forget them as time passes but they're there, waiting for someone or something to trigger the memory.

Before today, the last time this happened I was with a loved one. She comforted me by saying, 'Maybe if you haven't done those mistakes, you won't be here today, so eager to be good.'

I'm not sad because of the mistakes I've done but because I know I've lost the eagerness and I don't even know when and why I lost it.

Home is where the heart is.

2008-06-01T00:43:00.005+01:00

I used to feel that most people don't get as much urge to update their blogs as I do because they have so many better things in their lives that they can spend their time on. But that's not true. I just love to write. To tell whoever wants to know what I'm thinking, what I'm thinking. I change everyday, and I want to surprise myself when I'm 40 years old and I read this blog, I might think, 'I can't believe I was so soapy and seem so depressed all the time!', like nowadays when I read what I've written a long, long time ago, I would always think, 'My vocabulary has decreased so much from when I was 16!'

I do have a lot of good things in my life. Things that make me wake up smiling. Things that reminds me that Allah loves me and I want to do good things to a lot of people. Because it's all worth it!!!

Time is passing by so fast. In less than two months I will wake up as a different person, and live the life of a different person. Like that wonderful, cloud nine-ly life I got the chance to live for some time never happened. I will start teacher-training thingy, I will smile at people, I will be what is expected of me.

In less than two months, I will have to say goodbye to what never fails to make me feel happy. I can't believe it's almost over. I know I can be independent, and I know how time heals. And I also know I won't be able to say goodbye properly when the time comes. Not to something that means the world to me. I pray that I will be able to muster some strength and not crumble. Hope is a good thing. I need hope, that one day I'll get to say 'Hello!' again.

Hot Vanilla.

2008-05-11T14:47:00.002+01:00

We were in that small, internationally known deli, which is now closed because the people in that small town didn't like anything that fancy at that time (and now we have Starbucks?). I had my first hot vanilla, for free. I didn't have a lot of money in my pockets anyway. The hot vanilla was perfect. I burnt my tongue. We made plans. We had our lives laid out for the years to come.

The plans did not come true.

Looking back, I can gladly say, "Thank God!"

The Nakba, friendships and suicide.

2008-05-09T18:45:00.013+01:00

f you keep up with world news, you would know that Israelis have been celebrating their 'independence day' for a few days now. They declared themselves 'independent' on 14th May 1948. The day (or the 15th of May) is known as Nakba by the Palestinians (and if we care about life, we should too!) as 'the day of the catastrophe'.

Today S, A and I went to see the planting of the olive tree as a symbol of our student union's solidarity with the An-Najah University in Nablus, Palestine.

*The tree, from where we stood.

*Some of those who came.

Walking back home, S and I talked about suicide. I did some reading and found this:

"None of you should long for death, for if he is a good man, he may increase his good deeds, and if he is an evil-doer, he may stop the evil deeds and repent" (Al Bukhari 9: 90 #341)

What are we always feeling depressed about?

Sometimes it's blatantly clear that we forget to be thankful with what we have, that we let evil thoughts of wanting to die cross our minds. It doesn't matter if that thought is only for a split of a second. We wake up in a warm beds (siap tengah consider nak beli kipas lagi, because it's a bit too warm and I can't open the window because it's too noisy outside), the only thing stolen frequently is food (if you live with weird people), most of the time we lose our own money, no one came to Selangor/Kelantan/Kedah and re-wrote history and declared that there never was a Selangor/Kelantan/Kedah in the first place.

***

Q:

I have often heard the phrase that Allah does not give a person more than he can bear. If this is the case why do people commit suicide?

A:

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful. All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Although we can never know the precise reasons for each and every case, but one of the major reason definitely is their failure to seek strength and consolation from Allah. As Allah tells us man/woman acts unjustly when they deem themselves to be self-sufficient. As for those who cherish faith and trust in Allah, Allah will never forsake them. They will surely be exposed to trials, but still they will be enjoying the tranquility/ peace which is a pure gift from the source of peace. Allah. May Allah grant us all peace-ameen.

Allah Almighty knows best.

Planting the olive tree.

2008-05-08T16:11:00.003+01:00

It's May!

2008-05-01T02:13:00.002+01:00

I have this tendency to feel that it's other people's fault if they don't practise what they preach, and make me feel so guilty because I don't know how to tell them that I think what they are doing is wrong. If I had things my way, I would ask, 'What would your mom say, if she knew?' but the comments by those who you spend considerable time with, and those who are supposed to understand you, are always the harshest. No matter how good the intentions one might have. So at the end of the day, I shake my head and say nothing, and think about what a bad friend I am for letting a friend repeatedly do things I think he/she will one day regret.

+/- 11 more weeks before leaving. &

I have to survive May with £50.

One boring day, I stumbled upon this blog where konun-konun the writer wants to commit suicide soon. Such an attention seeker. And there was a tonne of comments left by innocent souls who believed the writers stories, telling her to reconsider, and that life is too precious to waste.

Then I thought, daripada hidup tak berguna malah menyusahkan orang lain nak hidup, baik mati saja. Cruel yeah. Because 'berguna' is subjective. Paling kurang pun the human body is mostly composed of carbon, so we WILL contribute to the Earth energy cycle.

Throughout the course, my cosmology lecturer told us many times that we came from stars. The final lecture was ended with the question: 'Why is everything here? And why are WE even here to ask this question???'

Kesian.

To myself too.

Saya yang tak "happening".

2008-04-29T22:23:00.013+01:00

Sometimes when someone gets on my nerve, I would not do the things I would normally do when I interact with him/her.

And then I would feel guilty. But most of the time, my 'malas saya nak layan awak' act that makes me feel guilty goes unnoticed pun in the first place. Buang beras je nak rebel.

***

I have 39 x 3 things on the list of things I have to do before the exam, and I haven't done any of them since I made the list a week ago. Tsk... Tsk... Tsk... Tiap kali tengok list ni rasa nak gelak ada, nak berlari-lari di Platt Fields pun ada. The pressure to get a 1st class degree is mounting, but most of the time I realise it's just too hard. Sometimes I feel, to maintain my sanity (considering the fact that I haven't really worked hard for my exams all this while... The total mark so far is so 'Average'!) I need to calm myself down and settle for a bit less than what everyone wants me to get. And then the guilt would come - I would feel concerned of what people would say to me for the rest of my life!

Maybe I would answer, "A degree is not a benchmark of how successful you will be in this life." But then they could say, "You had the chance dear."

I've finally learned how to put emoticons in!

I love this feeling.

2008-04-22T00:33:00.004+01:00

Although sedih sangat sebab dah nak balik (bila-bila teringat dah nak balik, sure rasa panas mata) saya sangat gembira dapat peluang ini.

Gembira sangat at this very moment. Tak ada dapat hadiah apa-apa pun hari ni. Saya terfikir pasal hari-hari yang makin panjang, malam yang makin pendek, kelopak-kelopak bunga cherry blossoms yang tiba-tiba ada di kain tudung, bunga rumput, dan beberapa suasana yang saya tak alami di tempat asal saya.

Subhanallah. Rasa macam, lepas exam nanti saya nak stay up dan rakam sunrise sambil cakap apa-apa saya nak cakap, summarise all the emotions and memories this place brings me, during the few minutes of the sun rising...

Keldai.

2008-04-21T11:07:00.003+01:00

Perumpamaan bagi orang yang tahu, tapi tidak mengamalkan ilmunya ialah seperti keldai yang membawa begitu banyak buku di atas belakangnya, ke hulu, ke hilir, tapi dia tetap seekor keldai yang hanya membawa bebanan.

Remember today.

Dah banyak kali.

2008-04-16T21:03:00.003+01:00

During the period when parliamentary style debates managed to keep us high, there was this phrase that we loved to use. It's 'humanistic values'. I never really knew the true meaning, and I really can't be bothered to check now. If you sound confident, with the right moves you can sway almost anyone.

Unless the person has seen all the sides you have.

[Do something horrible]
...
...
...
Sorry.
...
Sorry. Sorry lah.
...
Dah banyak kali ke saya buat macam ni?
Dah.
...
Selalu fikir macam-macam. Kalau husnuzon takpe jugak. Sigh.
:(( Saya akan berubah.
...
I've said 'saya akan berubah' so many times this year...

R. o. Q.

2008-04-14T13:49:00.001+01:00

Two boxes on their way home.

2008-04-01T13:54:00.002+01:00

Today I finally got those huge boxes sent away. Now it's obvious how spacious my room actually is. Can't wait to go home. Happy happy happy.

Excitednya. Tak sabar nak mulakan hidup baru. Hahahah.
Apalah kau ni. Mula sajalah sekarang!

Today.

2008-03-31T00:32:00.007+01:00

When you said you've never noticed, I knew we've lost it.

For years, I used to think we were more than just colleagues. I guess I didn't play my part well enough.

We ARE just colleagues. I just wish I could embed that fact in my head and stop feeling like something's amiss.

Almost perfect.

2008-03-27T02:00:00.002Z

If you see or hear of someone who's very dear to you, who's living a very hard life, do you feel that twinge of thankfulness that you're much better off than her/him?

Or do you promptly make a prayer for her/him, before you think about you?

***

There is a part of my life which is almost perfect to my standards, to the extent that on odd days I feel so stressed out because I never expected it to be this way. I expected it to be normal, like how all the parts of my life has been since as long as I can remember. But it is, and has been, almost perfect.

Useless.

2008-03-17T01:03:00.004Z

2005

People come and go. Some people just never come back. Some are here, and I bump into them often, but they're gone, transformed into strangers. Some people leave, and it's as if I've never known them as we don't talk, we don't ask, we don't really care.

I learn to let go of some people, though on some days my mind chooses to playback the moments when they were glad to see me, told me they love me and hugged me. Yes I know it's really pointless to think about this.

It's been a year since I've been feeling that I was denied the chance to be more responsible, I was denied the chance to learn how to give more than what I was giving. But I tell myself to think of this as a reality check: only the ones who have been really good and have bothered to prove themselves are worthy in getting the really good chances. Sometimes my mind tries to figure out what I did which was so wrong in their eyes which justifies this... But I know this is the worst time to put the blame on anyone else but myself, and I can't stop realising how fast the clock ticks, and I will have to pack up and leave, and I haven't really done anything...

Three years have passed, and I'm still where I was two years ago.

The usual thoughts, at the usual time of the day, at the same place. Huhu... Banyaknya setan dalam bilik ni...

"Selamat bercuti. Gunalah masa sebaik-baiknya. "

2008-03-14T23:57:00.005Z

I had my 10 credit presentation and interview today. Couldn't sleep well for the last few day. I remembered what my personal tutor commented recently, 'You're a worrier aren't you?' Huhu. I guess I am. Glad that it went well than what I had expected. I got 8/10 for experimental skills and 5/10 for the physics of the experiment. Yeah, it means, for 6 weeks, I did things almost faultlessly without actually knowing what I was doing. :)

The much anticipated spring break is now here. My brain has been raking with arrangements for the next three weeks. Hopefully I will really study, and really study. Study, study, study. And spend time with humans who are not my lecturers or flatmates. Jom berbarbecue?

One of those days.

2008-03-12T16:25:00.004Z

Today is one of those days where I read an email and think, 'OMG... Seteruk ini kah saya?'

I know this girl, who is so lembut, sweet and manja, that if someone comes into the kitchen, slams the kitchen cabinet door and leaves without saying a word, she could just go to her room and cry. She doesn't know it but I often think of her, I want to give her the same pink and white chocolate (but this time the small one... because we only get the big one on an extremely special occasion hehehe) again, but I haven't been able to find the time to take the bus to town for weeks.

Maybe she always crosses my mind because we actually have lots in common. Perhaps I won't feel anything if someone suddenly slams any door but I could spend hours feeling sad after reading an email I don't understand (but somehow it manages to give me a heartache?), and waiting for response (feels like eternity!) to confirm whether it has anything to do with me at all in the first place.

Please... Just say what you mean!

I'm still here.

2008-03-06T21:32:00.003Z

Bila saya tekan butang-butang di handset, baru saya sedar saya menggigil. Tak cukup makan. Kalau selalu stress buat lab work, memang cepat kurus (misi cekung hahaha). Sangat lapar, tapi ada ramai orang bersosial di dapur. I don't want to say hello to anyone tonight.

Yes, I'm not anyone's role model in the adab department.

xxx

Day and night, I think about lab... and also set pinggan mangkuk.
Nothing else.

If my mom hasn't been reminding me over and over again why I shouldn't consume lots of paracetamol, I'd have finished the whole batch now.

Interview and presentation is next week. I have so much lab work to do, I can't stop feeling anxious that my life is only filled with lab-related stuff.

Aisyah and Sarah.

2008-03-06T12:48:00.001Z

I'm happy.

2008-02-25T12:53:00.005Z

Yes, I'm happy.
I've got a cute family of 5 here scattered between Preston (ada the most beautiful English house I've seen hehe bodek...), Chorley, Hulme and Rusholme.
I've got a house, 5 minutes away, which I can always go lepak at for as long as I want to, anytime (the urge is stronger after a loooong day experimenting).
It doesn't matter that the house doesn't have a TV. It's the people living there.
I've got people who I can talk to without having to wonder if they want to talk to me too.

I kind of feel obliged to write this, because some people seem to think that I'm always depressed.
Hahaha.
This blog (or any of my previous blogs) is not about my life. It's about 0.05% of the random thoughts in my head.
Yes, it's a habit, I tend to write when I don't feel so good. If I write when I feel good, then there'd be thousands of posts in this blog by now.
*Wink*

By the way, the previous posts are about someone at work. I would never write something as personal as my relationship with some guy I plan to marry in a public place, even if I had one. It's like how I won't post my current address here. Capisci?

:)
Love,
Happymostofthetime, Alhamdulillah

Not a usual Tuesday.

2008-02-19T18:56:00.003Z

6+am
Woke up early, talked to a loved one, had a good breakfast, arrived 2 minutes after he arrived.
Talked to the teacher, took readings together.
Went to record data alone, plot the graph alone (as was the case for all the previous 7 graphs),
so came back into workplace an hour later than him.

1.40pm
"That was a reaaaaaaaaaaaaly long lunch break you had."
"Well, it took me 45 minutes to get the graph done." So basically I was about 15 minutes late.
(In my head: Someone skipped more than 9 hours altogether and didn't even bother to explain, let alone apologise).

A few more cynical sentences were uttered, and that was it for me. It seemed that he (so badly) wanted a sustained, heated argument, and so he got it. It was the longest argument I had ever participated in, in my whole life (an overly-optimistic view would be that it was a great way to practise my spoken English... Ha. Ha.).

4pm
The teacher came back and was surprised, but he was and has always been, professional.

xxx

What a bad ambassador I am. Sigh!

The difference between us.

2008-02-18T12:35:00.005Z

... Jadi I minta la semula. I rasa terkilan sikit.
Hmm... Tak baik macam tu.
Kenapa??? It's mine.
I've read somewhere, tak baik meminta semula.
But... It's mine... Lagipun, ada ayat yang panjang dalam al-Quran pasal ni. It's mine. Ingat tak ayat tu?
Yes, if you owe people money, you should always pay as soon as you had promised to. But in this case, it's different... Bla bla bla... So that's why I tak pernah minta semula.
Tak pernah???
Ya, tak pernah.

I manage to stop myself before the words 'but it's mine' slip through my lips again. My friend chooses to not say anything more, perhaps to let me digest a point of view I've always failed to see. We continue eating the good food in front of us. A few minutes pass, I look at my friend, and I think, thank you Allah for this wonderful person who is so different from me!

I've always been so particular about my money, my things. Macam boleh bawa masuk kubur saja!

Tak payah kecil hati.

2008-02-12T07:49:00.000Z

Sometimes we are fully aware of when people just want to make us feel bad and uneasy.
Like we haven't done anything for them, and don't deserve anything back.

I don't know. Maybe I really haven't.

But I know, we always get back what we give.
whether we're aware of it or not,
this life or the other.
So it shouldn't bother us much if we've tried our best.

But if suku-suku je buat kerja,
mengutuk dan provoke orang lain at every available chance,
Hmmm...

What we give, we get back.
It's always fair.
...

Tomorrow is a new day :)

2008-02-09T23:34:00.000Z

*Summer 2006, Taman Haiwan Fota.
Breathtaking sky.
Giraffes praising their creator.

Entry for February 04, 2008

2008-02-04T06:54:00.000Z

Yahoo 360 has a page load counter, and it kind of makes me wonder why the counter is still showing regular page loads per week when I haven't updated for a long time and have moved to Blogger.com.

(Assuming the counter is not broken) I will cease displaying drama here.

My new site is at isnotabox.blogspot.com

Since someone asked, it's not wrong because it's from 'the world is not a box' (the title of a song) although when she pointed it out, I did realise that it might sound nicer if it's 'itsnotabox'. But, it isn't. And why am I telling all this things people can happily live without knowing? Hehe.

Tip of the day:
To those who secretly hate people who blog about themselves , there's always that small box with the letter 'X' in it which I believe you can find without much effort. And you can always choose not to visit those blogs in the first place.

A bad heart?

2008-02-03T21:52:00.000Z

I always look at him in a way no one with manners wants to be looked at. But the look is always only in my mind, so he never knows what's really going on in my head.

Whenever he uses my things, I feel like saying, "Next time, bring your own ruler and calculator!!! You ******************************! You're doing *******! How can you not have your own ruler and calculator?! You *********************!"

His lack of manners is so disturbing it can even cross my mind while I'm cooking mee kari on a Sunday morning.

I think about all the things I desperately want to say to him;

"Don't you realise that every time you hempas things it shows how ******************* you are?"
"Only losers use 'I told you I was right' when they're obviously wrong!"
"Not only are your jokes offensive, they are also tasteless."
"Stop pretending you know things and talking ***************************** when you're actually clueless!"
"Senang la awak cakap 'this is the right way to do it' and 'we're wasting our time with insignificant problems', sebab semua graph ni saya yang kena plot nanti, and you just criticize!!!"
"Good morning. Yes I won't even pretend I care about you by asking you how you are. In fact, I'll be ever so happy if I never have to see you again."
"If I could, I'd have kicked you hard."
"Yes, I understand English, just because I have a weird accent doesn't mean you can treat me like I'm *************, you ********************!"

and I feel worse.

I continuously tell myself I have to be strong and this can't kill me.

I go home and think about this problem and feel the warmth of my tears. I have never felt even 1/21th (yes, that's 1 divided by 21) as much rage towards anyone.

What kind of person have I allowed myself to become?

The people I can be without.

2008-01-30T09:01:00.001Z

I realised how I'm often taken aback by what is said to me, or by the speaker's tone.

Even though I'd like to think that I've trained myself, for so many years since I knew how to think and argue, to accommodate the fact that people don't necessarily think the way I do, I guess I still have problem estimating how far off I really am.

I hate people who always want to talk and talk and talk and show off that they just simply think they're smarter than me. Well, I know they probably are, but since they don't realise that they can do better things with their time than to show off all the time, I guess they still don't own half as much common sense that they think they do.

Sometimes when this kind of people talk to me, I imagined a world where the person could hear what goes on in my head. That wouldn't be a nice thing for our relationship, it might even put an end to it.

But I guess when a relationship is superficial enough for someone to just brag and brag and brag and brag and brag all the time, and also belittle others whenever the chance surfaces, life would be much better without it.

Nothing we have is truly ours.

2008-01-24T21:16:00.001Z

On my way to school, I saw a guy climbing up the rails of the steps of the Students' Union building, reaching to put up a flag at the lamp post. I know the guy's a Palestinian because he had introduced himself and shared his experience during a few talks on Palestine organised by student organisations.

Do you know what's happening in Gaza?

If you don't, google around and find out from reliable sources.

If you've never donated to causes for Palestinians before, now is your chance to take the very first step. If you have, then now is your chance to donate even more, and hopefully what you donate will be a witness in your defence in the hereafter.

I don't think I have to explain the importance of helping oppressed people. Everyone with a good heart knows that. It's just whether we actually have enough empathy to let it touch our hearts long enough to actually part with some of our money (is it really ours anyway?) which might end up being spent on unnecessary things anyway.

You can click here to get more information and donate through Islamic Relief, or if you don't have a credit card, here through Human Appeal International or if you're in Malaysia, you can get more information on how to donate through this website, Palestin Kini.

Paddle your own canoe.

2008-01-23T10:00:00.001Z

Sometimes I get attached to a person so much that on many days, even the slightest difference on how the person treats me can ruin my mood for the whole day, sometimes even weeks at a time.

I know I should not let myself feel the way I'm feeling right now. I know all the drill about how we shouldn't depend on people and how we shouldn't let emotions take over.

We can only love someone so much. But Allah holds our hearts and Allah can reduce anyone's affection towards anything and change how the person feels faster than a blink of the eye. Someone might leave, someone might say the meanest words to you, someone might die. Undesirable events can happen to us during crucial times (like a final year exam).

At a time like this, I'm thankful I got a reminder, a really strong reminder, that perhaps I have been dependent on people a bit too much that I've forgotten that I should really hope and ask of Allah, and only Allah. And no one can hurt me if Allah doesn't allow it to happen, and no one can feel love towards me, no matter what I do, if Allah doesn't want it to happen.

Allah knows best.

If today happened last year, I would have crumbled.

2008-01-15T18:50:00.000Z

Bila dah you exam? Esok?
Hari ni. Tadi.
Macam mana?
Entahlah... Hehehe.
Okay la tu kut, bunyi macam happy je.
Kalau sedih, nanti tak boleh study pulak.
So camne sebenarnya? Nanti mami tahu juga.
Ya, saya bagitahu mami nanti-nantilah lagi elok. Hehe.

Since 9.55 am this morning, I have been thinking if I can actually compensate for today's paper and the answer is to get 90% and above for the next three papers. And this means...?

Where do we draw the line between optimistic and unrealistic?

Remind, for a reminder benefits a believer.

2008-01-04T22:54:00.000Z

"If anyone removes (one of the) anxieties of this world from a believer,
God will remove (one of the) anxieties from him on the Day of Resurrection;
if one smoothes the way for one who is destitute,
God will smooth the way for him in this world and the next;
and if anyone conceals the faults of a Muslim,
God will conceal his faults in this world and the next.
God helps a man as long as he helps his brother.
If anyone pursues a path in search of knowledge
God will thereby make easy for him a path to paradise." (Muslim)

Winter Retreat 2007. (Undone)

2007-12-24T13:30:00.000Z

Welcome! (Photo taken by an a cappella artist)

They fed us excellent nasi lemak lauk ayam and the most delicious, simple bubur kacang besar dan jagung for lunch to prepare us for this physically challenging treasure hunt!

Entry for December 23, 2007

2007-12-23T05:59:00.000Z

Do you have a friend who can just talk and talk and talk? If you regularly hang out with me, then you do.

I've experienced something I never knew I could: I felt that someone was talking too much -- and it wasn't me. It was a very difficult situation. I couldn't think properly because of the noise. I just wanted some silence. But it never came until I excused myself.

I thought about a lot of things. When we talk, do we realise it when we say things that make us seem so narcissistic? Do we realise it when we make fun of others? Do we actually hear what we say, the way the person we're talking to, hears us? If our "speeches" were recorded and were played back for us to hear, how would we feel?

Afterwards, I couldn't help but think that maybe that's the situation my friends have to face whenever we're together. Maybe I've always unintentionally caused them pain from being with someone who can't seem to stop talking.

~~~

"Not a word does he utter but there is a watcher by him ready to record it."
[Surah Qaf (50): 18]

Entry for November 24, 2007

2007-11-26T04:08:00.000Z

Karipap inti kambing. Tiba-tiba ada dua biji karipap sfera. Siapa yang buat ye?

Pernah ada nasi lemak lauk 23 biji telur, yang best sangat dalam bekas ni.

Entry for November 13, 2007

2007-11-13T16:44:00.000Z

*My lab partner said that if you stick your hand liquid nitrogen, your hand will simply fall off.

Thankful for today.

2007-11-04T16:18:00.002Z

Two years ago a stranger asked me, "Do you know why you're here?" and asked me to think about it. Of course the first thought that came to mind was that he was a weirdo who was bored and so decided to ask weird questions.

***

Today was the first time I gave a tazkirah. There were only five of us. I don't know how my friends felt about the tazkirah today as I myself had, for a few times, forced an excited expression during Islamic study circles simply because I didn't want the presenter to feel demotivated. Alhamdulillah, at least I know it's not useless because at least one person went away thinking about a lot of things...

While I spoke, I couldn't help but notice how my voice gave out how I was really feeling inside. To the point that I was really concerned that my friends would wonder why I was being so emotional.

Being on the receiving end is really different from actually trying to share your passion and at the same time try to sustain people's attention. When it's you who have to speak and explain, your mind can't stop thinking about the best way to put your thoughts into words, how to make things interesting. How to make your listeners feel how you feel. And the part I found to be the hardest was how to not lie.

lie - verb (used without object): to express what is false; convey a false impression.

Imagine a situation where you talk about doing things solely for Allah. Just as you end your last sentence, someone says, "Liar! I saw you ______________ the other day! Was that solely for Allah?"

And when you talk about the descriptions of hell and end with, "...that's how bad it is.", someone says, "Liar! Did you think about hell when you gossiped about that couple from your college who're not together any more, with your friends last night?"

When you talk about tauhid, someone says, "Pffth! All this coming from someone who does not pray as soon as it's time to pray, when there's no real darurah!"

.
.
.

How can you not feel emotional when you speak of being obedient to Allah and promoting it, when you know Allah hears every single word that you utter, and every single thing you've done. And all the things you've been telling yourself you'll stop or start doing soon, since youcantrememberwhen?

Unreliable.

2007-10-29T14:38:00.000Z

Lately Yahoo's 360 has been so unpredictable. One minute I'm happily writing to my heart's content and the next minute every thing's gone. One minute the posts are there and the next minute, they're not. I guess it has to do with their plan of 'Yahoo 360 Transition (i.e. 360 will be no more). Sigh! I loved Yahoo 360.

So, since I must have a blog, this will be it.

The Best Forwarded E-mail.

2007-10-10T09:47:00.000+01:00

Askm semua org,

Kalau zaman Rasul SAW, ramadhan berakhir, mereka sedih
berlalunya bulan ampun dosa, bulan banyak pahala,
bulan iman naik mendadak, bulan syaitan
terkurung......
Zaman sekarang orang berRAYA, penuh kuih muih, rendang
ketupak, bunya api mercun, baju baru & make-up, etc
etc.

Kalau zaman dulu Umat beriman dan berakhlak mulia,
rendah diri....
Zaman skrg islam atas nama, akhlak macam yahudi;
pandai tipu, pandai makan riba, pandai rasuah, pandai
kon orang, bongkak, cakap kasar etc etc.

Kalau zaman dulu Umat memikir tentang Umat, banyak
bersedekah, berjuang dijalan Allah...
Zaman sekarang orang self-centred, tamak haloba,
kedekut dengan sedakah,
 tapi boros berbelanja untuk
diri, dan untuk kawan bisnes...

Kita di mana?
Tazkirah keluarga bulan ramadhan.
Eid mubarak.  
Tok Ah.

Entry for October 09, 2007

2007-10-09T15:42:00.000+01:00

Currently listening to Taubat by Opick.

A few hours ago I rushed to a bus stop and when I got there, the Finglands bus was already leaving. The next bus was a Magic Bus. I was about to step into the blue bus when I saw that the white bus decided to stop a bit further from the bus stop and wait for a girl with crutches to board the bus. So I ran towards it and when I got on it, felt a moment of joy as my effort has managed to save me 10pence.

Just now, somehow through my friend's Friendster page, I came across the Friendster page of a guy who looked really familiar. There were 300+ photos and I skimmed through some of them. There were lots of photos of his things and he wrote how much each of them costs. Among the photos were of neck ties, shirts, shoes, belts... When I got to the final photo of a few photos of a £4000+ Tag Heuer watch, sedar-sedar pipi dah basah dengan air mata.

Entry for October 06, 2007

2007-10-06T08:19:00.000+01:00

Dah banyak kali saya berazam untuk tulis 'benda-benda positif' sahaja di blog saya ni.

Hahaha.

The thing about travelling. (Undone)

2007-09-10T19:03:00.000+01:00

I just came back from my Nottingham-Leeds-New Castle-Durham-Dundee-Aberdeen-Glasgow trip.

The last time I travelled because I really wanted to see the tourists attraction was when I went to Spain last year. And it still is the last time.

Sitting facing the quays in Salford provides me enough scenery to think and reflect on a lot of things. But people say you should travel a lot because 'dah sampai sini pun!' and it would be hard to travel to Europe when you're done studying and are back in your own country. But I'm not even well rehearsed with Manchester's historical and interesting places. When my friends come here, it's always the Manchester United stadium and Trafford Centre (except a girl who insisted on going to just Asda during her stay ).

So excluding the trip to Andalusia last year, when I decide to travel, it's because I want to spend time with the people travelling with me. I want to talk them, catch up on each other's latest news and maybe get to know them better.

Entry for July 31, 2007

2007-07-31T18:35:00.000+01:00

I hope today will be the last day I say 'I'll start studying tomorrow'.

Have you ever felt a certain inexplicable feeling that made you do something that's so 'not you'? I don't know what got into me -- I bought a sewing machine a few days ago and it arrived today.

Unfortunately, it's not running the way it should, so I must be threading it wrong. I'll wait until my friends who took Ekonomi Rumah Tangga in secondary school are here before I try to use it again.

Today must be one of the sunniest days I've experienced this summer. I went to a park, sat on a mat under a shady tree and ate dried apricots. I saw babies in prams, toddlers playing cricket with adults, and dogs running around thinking everyone wants to play with them.

Throughout my life, I've always felt that I 'will be happy' after a certain achievement, a certain event or a certain commitment. Like how I thought I'd be happy if could get into college, how I thought I'd be happy if I made it to study physics here, if I had a boyfriend, if I didn't have a boyfriend, if I could speak English without wondering how bad I sound, if we ALWAYS go for picnics during study circles... the list goes on. There was always something I thought would finally make me feel happy and satisfied, something that I thought I've been waiting forever for.

Under the tree, it hit me -- if I can't feel contented with all I have now, I will never feel contented. It's been 22 years. I have more than I deserve.

Are you stressed???

2007-05-16T09:17:00.000+01:00

Tomorrow I will insyaallah sit for the "much anticipated" three hour GENERAL paper. GENERAL tuh. No lectures specifically for this paper, because its a GENERAL paper. So, they'll ask you anything they fancy in confusing ways (at least to me). From the cuakness I feel now, I've certainly learnt my lesson This summer will be spent revising everything from the very first lecture I had in 2005 to the most recent and everything in between that the lecturers had asked us to discover for ourselves, to prepare myself for next year's GENERAL paper. I never want to feel the way I'm currently feeling... ever... ever... ever... ever... ever... The stress test below tells me I'm extremely stressed (yeah, smiling should be directly proportional to the stress you feel).

(The person in the photo above is the only person who can call me makcik. The text below is taken from... just Google it )

Are you stressed? Try the stress test:

I'm not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. The attached photo has 2 almost identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress level at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress. Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to make an appt with brain-train.

Take the test!

"Bestnya cuti ni banyak kenduri..."

2007-05-08T19:40:00.000+01:00

Alhamdulillah (segala puji bagi Allah).
Subhanallah (maha suci Allah).

"Dan di antara tanda-tanda (kebesaran)-Nya ialah Dia menciptakan pasangan-pasangan untukmu dari jenismu sendiri, agar kamu cenderung dan merasa tenteram kepadanya, dan Dia menjadikan di antaramu rasa kasih dan sayang. Sungguh, pada yang demikian itu benar-benar terdapat tanda-tanda (kebesaran Allah) bagi kaum yang berfikir." [30:21}

Narrated Anas ibn Malik, the Messenger of Allah said: "When a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion, so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half." [Al-Tirmidhi]

(Tahniah...)

Entry for today.

2007-03-09T09:12:00.000Z

src=\"http://dawamah.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/1173460347-hr-322.jpg\"

(1)

Remember last year when you asked if I\'ve voted and you showed me who I should vote?
-- Yeah
You were like, \'Mark here, here... This one, this one, this one, this one...\'
-- Hahaha. I was worried you went back thinking \'She USED me!!!\'
Aaargh!!! Hahaha .
-- Hahaha.
No, really. They were the right people. I just didn\'t know at that time .
--

(2)

To err is human. To admit it, superhuman.

Aisyah lawat makcik.

2007-03-05T05:26:00.000Z

Bestnya main dengan Aisyah!

Entry for February 26, 2007

2007-02-26T01:49:00.000Z

Awak ke lab partner saya dulu masa di KMB?
Ye kut.
(sama-sama).
Ingat tak kita reka experimen kelakar-kelakar tu?

Rindu sangat. Sayang sangat (tapi bila jumpa, buat-buat macho ).
Alhamdulillah for the friends I have.
For the sweet and caring individuals they are.
For stopping me before I stumble, for helping me up when I fall.
Even though some of them just don't say much (who talks more than I do ?),
I know I can count on them.

Thank you Allah for giving me the chance to know these people
and to be a part of their lives.

Entry for February 17, 2007

2007-02-17T16:12:00.000Z

~ zikir dan fikir ~

Get the message? I don't.

2007-01-25T12:53:00.000Z

my brother pulse has been suspended dont you see this racism going on soon you tube you will see your self in great troubel i am a lawyer and you are very racist and biased either you will heed our demands or you will see you in court we are not poor people by far
the muslim of new orleans form the muslim of new york to california
are ready to bring you to courts
either take off all the american attack videos and all ieds or all military action period it is biased on its rules or court will be seen

inshallah brother god will reward you and us they slaughter our women children evrey day but its okay to cheeer woooo hoo we got dem der rag heads now lets go rape a child

-- A message someone sent me.

"Jangan disalahkan dunia ini."

2007-01-19T13:28:00.000Z

Baca ini dulu: Don't take all my remarks literally.

Di rumah, saya selalu baca akhbar The New Straits Times kerana akhbar itulah yang ayah saya selalu beli dari penjual surat khabar yang memanggil semua pembeli 'Bos'. Kadang-kadang saya baca Utusan juga, bila ayah saya beli Utusan.

Di sini, akhbar yang saya selalu baca ialah MEvening News dan Metro. Tak pernah keluarkan wang untuk beli akhbar. Baca saja akhbar percuma yang penuh dengan iklan itu. Saya tak membaca Utusan Online atau Berita Harian/NST Online secara rutin kerana saya memang malas membaca akhbar online. Sangat malas. Bukan tak mahu ambil tahu, cuma saya rasa cukuplah saya dengar ringkasan berita oleh emak saya sekali seminggu (sangat ringkas). Saya hanya membaca bila ada orang berikan pautan kepada sesuatu berita yang dirasakan menarik.

Hari ni saya dapat pautan ke artikel ini (klik jika mahu baca). Fokus artikel ini ialah banjir di Johor. Ayat terakhir dalam artikel ini ialah seperti berikut:

Janganlah disalahkan dunia ini. Allah s.w.t telah memberikan kita akal fikiran untuk bertindak waras dan mengikut peraturan-peraturan yang telah diaturkan oleh-Nya. Ingatlah sesuatu yang berlaku itu ada sebab dan akibatnya.

Sebuah penutup yang baik dan menimbulkan rasa hairan. Sejak bila ada penggunaan nama Allah atau tazkirah dalam berita atau artikel yang bukan ditempatkan di segmen 'Agama' atau bukan membincangkan hal ehwal umat atau negara-negara Islam? Tapi mungkin saja saya rasa begini kerana boleh dibilang dengan jari berapa kali saya baca akhbar ini sejak pertengahan September 2006.

Saya selalu diberitahu, negara saya sebuah negara sekular.

Apa maksud sebenar sekular?

Kalau ke kelas dengan jeans ketat, tapi ke masjid berjubah, adakah itu perbuatan sekular?
Kalau goyang-goyang kaki, dengar Muse bila berseorangan, bagaimana?

Antara mimpi, impian dan angan-angan.

2007-01-09T10:22:00.003Z

Never was the annihilation of a people more complete than that of the Morisco-Spaniards. Where are they? Ask the shores of the Barbary and its desert places. The exiled remnants of their once powerful empire disappeared among the barbarians of Africa and ceased to be a nation. They have not even left a distinct name behind them, though for nearly eight centuries they were a distinct people. The home of their adoption and of their occupation for ages refuses to acknowledge them, except as invaders and usurpers. A few broken monuments are all that remain to bear witness to their power and dominion, as solitary rocks, left far in the interior, bear testimony to the extent of some vast inundation. Such is the Alhambra -- a Moslem pile in the midst of a Christian land, and Oriental palace amidst the Gothic edifices of the West, an elegant momento of a brave, intelligent, and graceful people who conquered, ruled and passed away.

excerpt from Tales of the Alhambra by Washington Irving.

Not quite there yet.

2007-01-07T17:22:00.002Z

Photo: The receipt was found on the heater. Someone almost started a fire.

I'm happy that it has been more than 3 days since I pledged to quit something I had dangerously got myself addicted to (cold turkey tuh! Alhamdulillah. Terima kasih kepada semua yang terlibat) and I'm still going on strong, and in fact, relieved (some might think it's pathetic, but one step at a time is better than 2 steps and falling down head first ).

My pledge.

2007-01-05T08:15:00.000Z

One day I said to myself, "No more. No more. The end!"

But the next day, I was back at square one.

Ya Allah, no one else can help me get through this. I can nod my head at every advice, every pep talk, every affirmation of what is right and what is wrong.
But You know what's in my heart.

For five weeks, I had been struggling. I'd like to think that I had struggled so hard and put all my effort into it. I'd like to think that it's easier said than done for people who are not going through what I am going through. I'd like to think a lot of things to make me feel like what I'm doing is not wrong but it's the only thing that's keeping me sane. But the fact that I'd like to think that way doesn't make it right.

And I know I can do better.

According to Wabisah bin Ma'bad, radiyallahu 'anhu, who said:

I came to the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu 'alayhi wasallam, and he said: "You have come to ask about righteousness ?" "Yes," I answered. He said: "Consult your heart. Righteousness is that about which the soul feels tranquil and the heart feels tranquil, and sin is what creates restlessness in the soul and moves to and fro in the breast, even though people give you their opinion (in your favour) and continue to do so."

[A good hadith transmitted from the Musnads of the two Imams, Ahmad bin Hanbal and Al-Darimi]

I know we can do better. Please remember what we promised about split personalities and hypocrites. Na'uzubillah. Remember how this time we are in this world is like a brief rest under a tree by a traveler?

Let the last one be at 4/1/2007 11:10:01 PM.
Amin.

12 hours of bus rides in 17 hours.

2006-12-31T01:55:00.002Z

I got on the bus to Manchester feeling so relieved that the 1-hour delay in Heathrow (someone very drunk was on the bus and he did some bad things and the bus driver had to call and wait for the police to get the man before he could let anyone in or out of the bus) did not cost me to miss the connecting coach. I sat next to a chef named Peter (so now I have spoken to 5 Peters). I felt so happy because I can't remember the last time I had a full conversation in English for more than 5 minutes for the last 30 days (that's a really, really sad thing, considering the fact that I'm living in England!).

We talked about a lot of things throughout the 2-hour-plus journey from Digbeth (reminds me of the office-dog cartoon). A lot of things. He's a really nice person who believes in being nice to everyone. Shouldn't we all be like that too? He mentioned about some people who look at others like they are criminals on the lose (yeah, you can tell us Moslems about that) and wondered what's got into them and how they feel like when they wake up in the morning -- "When you wake up in the morning, how can you not feel thankful that you are alive? And that you still have the chance to be nice to people?" -- I thought about it for a moment. I knew it.

I knew about most of the good points he mentioned. But I haven't really put it into practice. If someone breaks my heart, on most occasions I would try my best to get back to him/her. Rarely do I take a deep breath and say to myself, "This (getting back to people) is not the way Allah wants me to act." and just let go, and move on, appreciating every second of this precious life.

This live is too precious to be wasted on sadness, anger and regrets (except when we sin).

When he discovered that I'm a Moslem (apparently it's not that obvious) we talked about arranged marriages (Yes, I can look for my own partner), sangria, Saddam Hussein's execution, Bush and Blair, pork (Can you drink coffee? This, I had to laugh), live after death, the veil (of course it's not because the person's vain) and what will happen if an English man fell in love with you when you can only marry a Moslem?

I don't think I've spoken with that much sustained enthusiasm for a long, long time. It was a good way to start the march into the new year. I never really make resolutions, but it's never a bad thing at all to aspire to become a better person, insyaAllah.

Photo: Aisyah. (Are all aunts obsessed with their niece?)

In tears.

2006-12-23T08:39:00.000Z

Plan A is not going well. Plan B was scrapped 15 minutes ago. Plan C? We'll see.

Quoting someone, somewhere:

...Finally, since this matter has obviously gone on for sometime and is affecting your health, we urge you to break off all contact with this young man. Let him know that until and unless there is a clear signal from both your parents towards marriage, there is no need to have any contact between you. Be disciplined and resist the urge to re-establish contact with him. Make lots of du’aa' to Allah to give you good health and to help you keep the situation in perspective. Although you want to marry this young man, involving your parents and other trusted family and friends will help you to ascertain whether he is in fact the most suitable candidate for marriage to you. Seek the assistance and guidance of Allah through the Istikhara prayer.

And Allah knows best.

Spain trip 2006

2006-12-21T03:49:00.002Z

The five days I spent in Spain has taught me a lot. I learned of how strong we were. I learned of how cruel people can be and how 'a little' corruption here and there can bring down even the strongest kingdom.

It's well known that Rome wasn't built in a day.

And so were Granada, Cordoba, Seville and some other regions. Andalusia wasn't built in a day. But to me it seemed to have been destroyed in a day. In one long day. After all the hard work. Have you ever felt so sad that you couldn't even shed a tear?

It kinda saddens me that the fact that I am writing all this now does not mean that the same feeling I felt while exploring Al-Hambra, while sitting on the church bench in the Cordoba Mosque looking at all the super-sized idols, while walking down the beach in Malaga will stay fixed in my heart forever and will shape my actions from now on.

Maybe sooner or later I will forget all the emotions I felt. Maybe I will feel it's not my responsibility to make sure every single action I take should be because of Allah, because I want to be among the ones who strive for the religion.

I don't know what will happen in the future.

But I do know that I need to be firm in conviction and and cherish a great hope. Allah does not consider anything too great which He is able to grant.

Abu al-‘Abbas ‘Abdullah bin ‘Abbas, radiyallahu anhuma, reported: One day I was behind the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, and he said to me:

"O young man, I shall teach you some words [of advice] : Be mindful of Allah, and Allah will protect you. Be mindful of Allah, and you will find Him in front of you. If you ask, ask of Allah; and if you seek help, seek help from Allah. Know that even if the nations were to gather together to benefit you with something, they would not benefit you with anything except that which Allah has already recorded for you, and that if they gather together to harm you with something, they would not be able to harm you with anything except that which Allah has already recorded against you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried."

[Al-Tirmidhi relates this and says: It is a good, genuine Hadith]

Entry for December 09, 2006

2006-12-09T03:27:00.000Z

Lately I have allowed a few wrong doings here and there. Come to think about it, I would not wear my hijab (head dress, as put by my coursemate... nasib baik bukan headgear!) with a lock of hair showing here and there. I'm okay with the fekah (is it spelled with q or k? i or e? Is it really such a big deal?) I think.. insyaAllah. But when it comes to the purity of the heart..

There is love that we should not engross in. Not yet. Not now.

May Allah have mercy on our souls.

Let's all get our priorities straight!!!

Show me the money.

2006-11-17T08:31:00.000Z

When I was younger and had to ask money from my dad for everything, he used to say matter-of-factly,

"You will know the value of money when you have to work for it."

Yesterday in our little chat we got to talk about money. I'm reminded that the things that you would rather not others know, should never ever be told to anyone at all (I forgot that golden rule. My bad). The discussion made me realise that I have pretty much, throughout the last few months, forgotten the value of money.

I worked as a waitress for 5 weeks before I got into university. The pay was RM3 per hour (50 pence!) and on most days I had a 6, 7 or 8 hours shift and on weekends and public holidays it would be at least 11 hours. I got one day off per week.

Why am I writing all this?

When I worked day and night for RM3 per hour, I would think so hard before spending a mere RM1.50 on a Mexican Bun (better known as Roti Boy... beats me). I would think: Is this bun worth my half an hour rushing around mopping floors, delivering food, getting scolded by impatient customers and jeered at for 'selalunya Nurul pergi sembahyang!'? Is the bun worth is? Is it???

Yeah.. macam psycho la jugak. That was when I really understood what my dad said about knowing the value of money. On odd days (like 3 times during the whole 5 weeks, maybe) someone would be kind enough to bring me some food (the sponsored meal is only once per working day. It didn't matter if you were working an 11-hour shift and were constantly hungry like me because you weren't used to hard physical work while growing up). Once it was from Deli France. I felt so guilty. No one with RM3 per hour salary would, in their right minds, buy anything from Deli France unless it's a really inexplicably impossibly special occasion ( = never).

Saya mahu tinggalkan.. (untuk peminat setia sahaja!)

2006-11-15T12:04:00.002Z

Saya mahu tinggalkan semua yang tidak berfaedah. Terlalu banyak untuk disenaraikan, tapi buat masa ini yang terbayang di fikiran:

1)

Membaca blog-blog yang langsung tidak menambahkan iman saya, atau merapatkan ukhwah antara saya dan penulis. Hairan bagaimana saya boleh mula (dan terus, sekian lama) membaca blog hanya kerana perasaan 'dizalimi' (drama queen ) oleh seseorang?

2)

Ber-ym dengan bukan mahram tanpa sebab yang diizinkan oleh syarak. Kalau setiap ym saya bergaya begini, kan best...

A (11/14/2006 8:59:10 PM): Asm. Ni fail-fail. Tlg download dlm masa 2 hari ni sbb kalo tak dia akan expired. Tak dapat nak upload semua lagi sbb upload ambik masa yang lama.Sori about that. Nanti iA akan pass kan the remaining yg belum siap upload. wassalam
(links)
B (11/14/2006 9:51:30 PM): aslm. tertera \'this file has reached its maximum allowable downloads\'.
B (11/14/2006 9:51:35 PM): jadi tak boleh download.
A (11/14/2006 9:52:37 PM): a\'ah. dah ramai bgtau. Takpe. Ada org suggest tmpt lain yg blh download tnpa limit
A (11/14/2006 9:52:43 PM): jzkk sbb bgtau

Tamat.

Semua orang gembira, kan?

Bak kata Nadiah GP malam tadi, "Telinga saya paling dekat dengan mulut saya berbanding telinga orang lain. Jadi sayalah yang sepatutnya paling terkesan dengan kata-kata saya sendiri."

Susah, memang susah.

3)

Membuang masa dengan menonton Youtube yang lagha. Enough said.

Gambar: Niqabi berucap semasa Students\' Union General Meeting. Alhamdulillah.

Kerana Allah...

2006-11-12T12:04:00.002Z

Kerana Allah telah pilih mereka, untuk mendengarkannya dari kita..

Siapa sahaja yang memberi, siapa sahaja yang mendengar, yang memberi kesan pada hati, hanyalah Allah..

Bukan pada lawak bodoh kita,

Bukan pada ketereran bahasa kita,

Tapi pada pancaran nur yang Allah campakkan di hati mereka..

[...Entry ini telah dicopy-pasted dari emel yang menyentuh hati saya]

Two unrelated posts.

2006-11-09T12:04:00.000Z

(1)

“Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said: ‘May Allah have mercy on the man who gets up at night to pray and wakes up his wife to pray, and if she refuses, he sprinkles water in her face. And may Allah have mercy on the woman who gets up at night to pray, and wakes her husband up to pray, and if he refuses, she sprinkles water in his face.”

Reported by Abu Dawud, 2/45, in Kitab al-salah: bab qiyam al-layl, and by al-Hakim 1/309, Kitab salah al-tatawwu’; he said that it is sahih according to the consitions of Muslim.

(link)

(2)

Alhamdulillah, I am feeling better now. Emotions are hard to understand. It's really hard to interpret what the people around you feel about your emotional rollercoaster.

Quotes of the day:

"These hats are driving me nuts!"
-- My Quantum Mechanics lecturer, when asked by a student, why one of the countless commutators on the black board had no hat on it. (It's driving me nuts too.)

"I have been an idiot the whole week. I only have my notepad with me now."
-- My tutorial mate, when asked by the tutor why he didn't hand in his homework.

"......"
-- Nan Nya (guess who?), when caught day dreaming and asked what 'voltage' means. As expected, Andy came to the rescue.

Entry for November 05, 2006

2006-11-05T12:05:00.002Z

"Verily, as for those who believed and did righteous deeds,
certainly we will not
make the rewards of anyone
who does his (righteous) deeds
in the most perfect manner to be lost."

[Quran, Surah Al-Kahfi: 30]

Entry for November 01, 2006

2006-11-01T10:31:00.002Z

Whatever it is, the guilt is inversely proportional to the number of times you do it.

Entry for October 15, 2006

2006-10-15T19:07:00.002+01:00

Adakah kita terlalu sibuk menganalisa orang lain sehingga lupa mencerminkan diri?

Hadith Rasulullah saw:
â€œOrang mukmin kepada mukmin yang lain
seperti satu binaan
yang saling kuat menguat satu sama lain.â€
[Muttafaq â€˜alaih]

Jadi apa masalah sebenarnya?
Ada orang kata, tak perlu fikir untuk selamatkan dunia.
Kalau bukan kita yang fikir, siapa yang nak fikir?

Just because you don't agree with something, doesn't mean its a bad thing. Just because I don't agree with something, doesn't mean its a bad thing. Just because we can't agree to something, doesn't mean we can't be good friends and help each other. Doesn't mean we have to think bad about each other or confuse other good-willed people.

Doesn't mean we have to spy on each other.

Telefon bimbit tidak boleh dibawa mati.

2006-10-12T17:37:00.002+01:00

Hari ini saya bersembang dengan ahli kumpulan tutorial saya yang bernama Andy. Sedang kami bersembang mengenai kegiatannya yang sedang gigih mencari kerja yang sesuai, dia mengeluarkan telefon bimbit jenis Nokia 3310 dari sakunya dan membaca pesanan ringkas yang diterima. Saat itu saya menganalisa beberapa informasi yang saya ada:

Andy (sebutnya Andy, bukan Endy atau Andai) seorang yang bersopan-santun dan mudah menjadi kawan walaupun kepada seorang wanita rendah yang berhijab yang jarang melepak-lepak bersama rakan sefakulti lain, yang juga kadang-kadang apabila bercakap dengannya terpaksa mengulang beberapa kali kerana masalah longat. Andy juga sibuk mencari kerja untuk menyara hidupnya kerana telah jatuh miskin setelah tinggal di hostel yang menyediakan makanan yang sungguh tidak sedap tetapi memakan kos yang sangat tinggi.

Timbul perasaan bersalah kerana dalam saku saya ada telefon yang paling nipis di dunia ini. Saya sukakan yang berjenama, yang terbaru. Saya juga tiada niat untuk bekerja semasa belajar. Saya terlalu materialistik. Sedangkan saya ada agama Islam yang menyeru kepada kesucian hati dan mengutuk sifat cintakan dunia. Saya ada agama Islam.. tapi Andy... dia dengan ceria mengucapkan 'good luck' kepada saya kerana cuma tinggal sepuluh hari lagi sebelum tiba hari raya.

Saya sungguh materialistik. Sungguh, sungguh baru saya sedar.

Entry for September 24, 2006

2006-09-24T10:44:00.004+01:00

So I am writing. Again. It must be because of the environment here, as I didn't have much to write about when I was in Malaysia. Maybe my dissatisfaction over things weren't are prominent as they are when I'm away from home. Or maybe the crave to express myself wasn't so strong (because the food was so good?).

"Home is where the heart is."

I realise that at least 80% of my close friends are here now.

I tend to lose certain chemistry between friends just because of our distance from each other. Or if we're in the same university but we rarely spend time together. We don't experience similar things that enables us to relate to each other. To think that we were so close before. We laughed, we cried, we watched horror movies under the duvet for many hours, we got angry, we ate chicken's intestine (and long for it still), we skipped school together, we fought together, we won together, we lost together (and we always said the judges were biased!) we even 'fell in love' with the same teacher. We did so many things together.

But now, we can't even YM for more than 10 minutes.

Maybe it's me, maybe it's you. People change so much, I can't keep up with everyone.
I can just thank Allah for giving me the chance to know such wonderful individuals.

When I was younger my sister Alina told me, "Real friendship bukannya fasal whether you can keep in touch forever lah. It's about cherishing your friends while they're still around, while you're still around them. Make everything worth the while." Or something like that. I think I understand now.

Footnote: I'm feeling so homesick now, even if my plans for this summer doesn't work out, I'm still going back. I don't think I can stayback and work for three whole months. Sorry (kepada yang berkenaan)!